Red Velvet Underground

today.

today, i am in a Funk. 

i felt it necessary to tell Someone, lest I start screaming in public. 

that is All. 

Remember that time I was inspired by something Newt Gingrich (allegedly) said?

listen.

learn.

help.

lead.

This is (allegedly) good ol’ Newt’s mantra. Read it in an AMAZING profile of the man, myth and asshole in Esquire (or was it GQ!?) I was struck by how simple it seemed. I was doubly struck by my reaction to those words—total lightbulb, “AHA!” moment. Color me horrified when I realized he governed his life by that principle. I think it may be illegal for a left-leaning lady like myself to derive any sort of inspiration from someone so thoroughly anti-everything I hold true. But, such is life.

listen.

learn.

help.

lead.

I keep repeating it. I use it as I interact with students at work. I mediate on those words and what they signify. I cannot say I’ve arrived at anything I would be willing to share. Perhaps one day my thoughts will have sorted themselves out and I can express the impact of Newt Gingrinch on my young life.

YOU!

Missed you, Red Velvet Underground.

I believe this will be a post-heavy week as I have a particularly slow work week ahead. We are not technically allowed to use the interwebs at work but I don’t particularly care for that rule. Due to the nature of my job, any given week can be utterly swamped with registrations and projects or UTTERLY dull with little to no responsibility. I hate this. I like work, I like being able to focus on something and watch as my efforts accomplish a necessary task. While I often find this line of work unsatisfying, I’d been riding the “happy train” lately and was feeling good about my contribution to a tiny part of universe. However, as life propels me forward and December approaches and I prepare for (exciting! terrifying! worthy! NECESSARY!) change, I feel very anxious; my spirit is in a state of unrest. I notice this in my attitude toward work and what I am expected to do while on the clock. Essentially, I am very deeply entrenched in a “Fuck It!” state of mind, which is out of character but feels crucial to my survival (via the preservation of sanity) in these next few months. If this sounds like a convoluted justification for going online when it is expressly prohibited, it is. But “Fuck It,” after all.

Tonight…

…I will prepare this.

…I will drink this.

…I will water these. And these. And use homegrown this in the preparation of our meal.

…I will read this.

…I will do this. And this (though much less memorably and far less publicly.)

I will revel in the calm of our newly revamped home.

I will cuddle with my little girl (also known as Shrimpley the Cat) and my handsome man (also known as Anthony the Cat.)

I will smile because my life good and sometimes I need a night like tonight to remind myself of that.

Why does everyone have to shit on everything? Finding something beautiful or thought-provoking or imbued with purpose is important to a happy life; to share something that has had an impact or made you feel something is a deeply personal exercise. You are revealing something elemental, a bit of who you are and how you operate, perceive the world. But we are all cynics, armchair-whatevers that have an opinion and live in a society that encourages that you not only frequently state yours but enables you to rate the feelings, thoughts of someone else. Gross. 

Dialogue, debate, passion. Yes! Share. Please. These are important things. Telling me I’ve “finally woken up” is insulting (perhaps only in context but…) Mocking my desire to see the beauty in things is just sort of shitty and worthless; it lacks purpose, adds no value and makes you look like an asshole—the kind of penis wrinkle that steals parking spots from octagenarians. 

I want to live fully and adventurously. I want to taste, smell, dance, swim, create and I want to be able to share what I saw and how I felt. I am cautious and, in quiet moments, am really scared about a lot of things. I internalize often and am reluctant to reveal too much to anyone lest they judge. But I want to feel like the people around me recognize the very real parts of me that think twirling is amazing, that loves walking in grass with bare feet, that loves being alive and gets incredibly excited by the details. 

If you don’t like it, don’t love it. It being me.

I’ve made a decision. I am eliminating the bullshit. It’s cluttering my life with nonsense. It has shit for brains and it isn’t courageous. Negative energy is packing its boxes, wrapping its trinkets carefully and taking its sweet time. But 30-days notice has been given and it’s moving on UP! or out. Don’t know. But it certainly ain’t welcome here. My apartment is small and there is only so much room to twirl. 

I’ve noticed…

…that I’m only ever truly, gut-wrenchingly, totally fucking honest with myself while sitting on a porch (any will do,) with a cigarette and drink in my hand. 

I don’t want to work right now…

I am having one of those “terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad” days where nothing ACTUALLY terrible is happening, but everything feels like its falling apart. I am the extra clumsy version of myself. I can’t manage to keep water in a cup, my food on a plate (my white t-shirt is a monument to this inability.) I am interacting with people that are A) incredibly constipated, B) schizophrenic, C) water-heads. Sigh. I could keep whining but that seems counterproductive to my shiny new plan: being positive, smiling often and trying hard to be happy where I am, with who I am. It’s been hard today…I guess that is what my purpose in writing this is. It’s. Been. Fucking. Hard. But I remain steadfast in my desire to be the pleasant person I want to be. So I got to thinking: “What makes me happy?” “What brings me joy?” As I compiled the list in my head, I focused on the small details that bring me joy—a good book, a bath, a hike, cheese. Over the weekend, I created a delicious late-night snack that brings me TONS of joy.I figured I would share just in case you are also having a “terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad” day. I wanted to include photos of the recipe and the final product but, as the title makes clear, I don’t want to work right now…

Joyful Frogurt Concoction

Ingredients:

Trader Joe’s (or similar) Non-fat Plain Frozen Yogurt

1 Frozen banana

2 tbsp peanut butter

Pinch of Cinnamon

Cover the bottom of your favorite bowl with peanut butter. I am not a huge PB fan but Anthony likes crunchy so for this recipe go with what you feel. Once you’ve created the peanut butter layer, add the frozen banana, cut in slices. Grind a bit of cinnamon on top of this delectable layer. Now for the greatest element of my creation: FROGURT. Add whatever amount is most pleasing to you. Grind a bit more cinnamon for flair and enjoy!

Seriously, this is most delicious. Drop whatever you are doing and go purchase the ingredients and make this. Your mouth and overall well-being will thank you (me.) I’ve learned that, for me, it truly is the simple things that make me happiest. And in the future, when my day is terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad, I will be better about reflecting upon the details.

So says Lucier…

the rest of the world is trying to fuck itself to death